Submitted Articles

LMSD mandate requires removal of all sidewalks across the district (10/2/2024)

Submitted by Noah Murphy

Recently, the school board passed a mandate that required the removal of each and every sidewalk across the entirety of the district. This was, of course, a direct result of a complaint by a parent, who anonymously stated via email that “The bike lanes and margins on either side of the road are so wide that it encroaches on the space necessary for vehicles to pass by. It makes me worried that pedestrians and children are being put in danger, as my custom-made Cybertruck is too wide for most roads in their current state.” It is clear that this is definitely a tough situation, as custom built automobiles can prove to be dangerous on the road. But is this the most simple and necessary solution? A board member explained Monday “Of course it was necessary. What were we supposed to do, tell the parent to just not use her oversized car? Our Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion policy requires us to accommodate all cars, whether they are large or small, long or short, road legal or not. Size indeed does not matter.”

The board is also working on more legislation regarding this pressing issue, including the removal of all crosswalks and an upcoming district ban on walking down the street.

Cafeteria Chicken Nuggets analyzed: No Chicken DNA found (9/26/2024)

Submitted by Anonymous

Senior Robyn Crowe decided to extract and test the DNA of the chicken nuggets in the Harriton Cafeteria for her senior project. "I was just curious and wanted to see if the myths were true," she stated in an interview. Upon receiving the results from the laboratory, the apparently bogus chicken nuggets contained DNA from various songbirds, including blue jays and cardinals, as well as some traces of groundhog and squirrel. "I knew something was fishy about it," Crowe said. "Now that I think about it, the cafeteria's wings are a little too small, I bet those are from songbirds too," she added. "I hope my freshman-year brother analyses the hamburgers for his senior project."

LMSD school board passes mandate requiring minimum number of vehicles in car line to be set to 93. (9/25/2024)

Submitted by Noah Murphy

Last week, the school board passed a mandate requiring ninety-three cars at minimum in every school car line across Lower Merion School District. Many are outraged, claiming that “the car line is already long enough” and “f**k it, my children are riding the bus or walking the six miles.” The assistant superintendent’s secretary’s assistant responded to the public outcry on social media, stating, “My salary is not at a substantial enough numerical value to address the public in regards to this tomfoolery.” She is now the former assistant to the former secretary of the superintendent’s former assistant. At any rate, more than -1 experts on traffic science have predicted that some bus drivers might resign as a result of this mandate, as the data shows that some bus drivers have resigned as a result of this mandate. One thing is for certain: this is sure to have ripple effects across LMSD; one resident was even spotted asking around to find test subjects for a human trebuchet. When asked if he was mentally stable, the man replied, “39 dead. 0 found.” He is being completely ignored as the district has no remaining budget to allocate towards mental health.